Guys, I feel that I have misled you in some way and I am tired of carrying around all this guilt. I must make a shocking confession. I am trans. I was born a female. I wore dresses, played with dolls, tortured kittens, you know, everything that little girls normally do. But something never felt right. I began getting interested in trucks and math and even started fantasizing about my teenage babysitter, Jessica. I wanted to do everything that boys did, I wanted to eventually pleasure women in the ways only men could–the dick, the balls, the large bank account. I needed it all. So after third grade, I made the leap. I started taking hormone blockers and surgically transitioned to becoming a man. I have to say, it was the best decision that I ever made as a child. God bless Portland and Patsy Ford.