Helen Bergstrom wanted tacos and beer. Paco’s Tacos was either really good, we were incredibly hungry, or I was too smitten with Helen to have anything but a positive experience. The eatery is small and we were constantly on the verge of being busted. Helen wore a thin cotton jumpsuit with only God’s gifts under and her excitement easily showed. She was as fascinated as I was by how her body was reacting to the adventure. Oh Modelo, your new ad campaign awaits you!

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Bernie Svintis is a happy person and likes making others happy. Despite what some might think, a woman can be perfectly content at size 0 or size 16. As a man, I can fantasize about what the specs of my ideal woman would be. The optimal measurements for the maximum pleasure. But when the rubber meets the road, what really matters is who can put up with my own bullshit for years to come. Ditch the pettiness.

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Even though Kayla Linchek is an adult, has a job, drives her own car, she still had to sneak me into her room on a Sunday morning so that we could take these pictures. Kayla lives with her older brother and says that he would kill us both if he found out. He was asleep just down the hall. Between you and I, I think danger excites this young woman. If your art does not have any danger in it, I am not interested.

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Sage Hailong does some stripping to pay the bills. That’s cool. I am a firm believer in the value of salesmanship. You must be able to sell yourself in this life or else you’re basically screwed. The next time you step into a strip club, try to imagine you are walking into an office building, or better yet, a car dealership. Ignore the purplish light that smooths out the skin perfections. Ignore the scent of cheap strawberry perfume that masks the alcohol and body odor. Ignore the inspiring beat of the blaring Xhibit track which played on the radio twenty years ago. Check your ego at the door. You have now become a mark and these women are here to close. You will not be turning on any of these sharks, unless you intend to do so with your wallet.

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Texas likes to do everything in a big way, including its gas stations. This is Katie Darling at Buc-ee’s. The place perplexes me. I feel impressed, yet utterly disappointed at the same time. Marketing pro-tip, using a beaver as your company mascot is money in the bank. Katie and I got the stink eye from a few God-fearing patrons, but we had fun and that’s all that really matters. Enjoy Buc-ee’s.

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I call her Fabbie Gabbie, because Gabbie Carter is fabulous and everybody knows it. She is from Texas and has a mixed ethnic background. It is amazing to see one person bring the best of different worlds together. Let’s see how well the hardcore porn industry treats its shiny new star. Perhaps it will play nice this time. Stay vicious.

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